The TRF Beefeaters FAQ (Yes, we really are asked these questions. Constantly.)

Do you know where the bathroom is?


Where’s the nearest bathroom?

I love this one. Do you honestly think that after you come up and tell me that you have to go, I’m going to keep that little tid-bit to myself?

Are there bathrooms inside?

Well, there are lots of bushes. OK, yes, in addition to the one outside the gates there are ten more privies (bathrooms) inside with a total of 302 flush toilets, and 245 urinals for the guys. You can relax now.

May I take your picture?

Of course! It is what I live for!

What do I do if I need to go to the car?

This is usually followed by a lengthy explanation of why they need to go to the car. It’s OK; just get a hand stamp when you exit. Also, you are not required to tell us all the details of what you did when you come back either. (Unless it was kinky, Bartrand likes to hear that sort of thing).

Where’s the nearest place to get a beer?

I guess we just look like beer drinkers. Go inside. Stay to the right, it will be on your right side. It’s called Merlin’s Tavern. Tell the girls I said “Hello”.

Is that your real accent?

Is that yours?

Can I have a stub?

Beefeaters do not have stubs.

-but I need it to prove I was here!

We are required to take the whole ticket. Perhaps you can find something else to prove you were here. I have heard that if you write a nice note to the main office they will send you a cancelled ticket after the season is over.

Where’s the gin?

Out back. In a barrel. Where I drown people who think they are being clever by asking me “Where’s the gin?”.

Where is the chapel?


If I wear a costume do I get in for free?


-but I did last year!

No, you didn’t. To the best of my knowledge the TRF has never allowed free entrance if you wore a costume. I know for a fact that that has not been the case since 1978 because my predecessor Captain George worked the gate since then, long before there were TRF Beefeaters. (You might remember him as “Lord of the Gate”, or at the least you probably remember the codpiece!). About twenty years ago we let children in on Halloween weekend only, if they were in Halloween costume.

Is that pike (that you carry) real?

Yes, but the blade is a bit dull from bashing people in the head who ask silly questions. (When we patrol the courtyard we carry a pike)

May I hold your pike?

But my lady, I hardly know you!

Seriously- We never let patrons hold the pike; they might bash us in the head for being silly.

What kind of vine is that?

(The front gate area is covered with beautiful vines). Actually there are three different vines growing together. There is Jack Bean Vine, or Purple Hyacinth Bean Vine (Dolichos Lablab), which has the small pink or purple flowers and purple bean pods, Coral Vine (Antigonon leptopus), which has small pink or coral flowers, and Filipino Morning Glory (Ipomoea), with the large blue flowers.

Where did you get your uniform (costume)?

It was issued to me by the King.

It’s great! Who made it?

The TRF Beefeater’s uniforms (costumes) were designed and created, by hand, by Mrs. Eulice Vail. You may also have known her as the Grand Duchess. The current incarnation of our uniforms are based on her original design.

What do Beefeaters have under their skirts?

Nothing you haven’t seen before, my lady, just a little bigger!!

-May I look?

Actually many “ladies” fail to ask first before they look. And for the guys out there :”I don’t do hairy knuckles.”

What’s going on inside?

A festival. (Yes, people actually come up to the gate and ask).

This ticket is for a whole group, see it says GROUP on it.

That means that the ticket was sold at the group discount. I’m never sure if I should be scared that someone really believes the ticket is for a vague “group of people” or insulted that they think I would believe it.

Is smoking allowed inside?

Boy, you smokers sure are getting paranoid. Yes, smoking is allowed, and no, you may not bum a fag.

Have you seen a guy in blue jeans and a white T-shirt? (you may substitute any description you like here).

Probably. Do I remember seeing them? Probably not. Our average daily attendance is over 28,000 people a day. I’m good, but I’m not that good!

How do I get your job?

I suppose it is a matter of your timing. Turnover is very low, so you never know when we might need a new Beefeater. We usually find replacements through friends and relatives, but if you’re really interested let one of us know in the off season, but I prefer referrals. There are, however, many other jobs to be had at the faire. If you have your heart set on playing one of the costumed characters you see, (the ones with the official performers medallions), you’ll have to audition. Auditions are held in the spring, usually May, and you have to be willing and able to attend rehearsals for eight weekends before faire opens. My advice to people wanting to find a job at the faire is to find someone who is doing a job you would like to do, and discreetly ask them who they work for, and how to find this person. If you can talk to their employer while they are not too busy during faire do it. If not, find out how to get a hold of them during the week. You can also contact the festival office; certain jobs are listed with them.

I need that ticket so I can get in tomorrow, it’s a two day ticket right? Is this ticket good for the whole festival? (or variations on the theme)

All tickets are good for one day only. They are printed with the dates that they are valid, and are good any one of those days. There are two day tickets, consisting of two halves, each half clearly marked for which one day, a Saturday or a Sunday, they are valid. All tickets are good for one day only. You must surrender your ticket to enter the festival grounds. Tickets are good for one day only. Yes, I know when you go to a movie theatre you get half the ticket back, but since movies haven’t been invented yet, we keep the whole ticket!

How long did you train to become a Beefeater?

15 minutes. No really- I showed up my first day, I was shown samples of that year’s tickets, told not to take any others, and not to let in coolers or pets. And “Oh, yes -Have fun!” That was the sum of my training, and it’s been downhill ever since!


Guarding the gates of the Texas Renaissance Festival are the Beefeaters. Stalwart defenders of the gates of New Market village, they are a small detachment of the finest of the Yeomen of the King’s Own Guard sent to New Market to secure the village for the King’s annual progress, and ensure only invited guests are admitted to the festivities. Flamboyant and raucous, their importance can not be overstressed, as they are the first of the King’s subjects that greet the guests on their way into the festival, and the last that they see as they start their journey home.

From the Captain of the Guard:

Good day to thee! and welcome to the Yeomanry web site of the Texas Renaissance Festival. During the festival season the patrons pass by us Beefeaters so quickly on their way in, we barely get to know them. We realize this is solely due to their eagerness to enter the grounds and festivitate, but we wanted to provide a chance for people to stop and get to know the men beneath the skirts. Enter our realm, and enjoy thy stay!

Directions to the Texas Renaissance Festival

Recommended Routes



I-45 north, left Hwy 105 to Plantersville, left FM 1774, festival 6 miles on right.

Don’t go through Magnolia! I’m serious; don’t do it. If you take FM 1488 from I-45, you will hit major construction about six miles from Magnolia, and when you get through that the highway is only 2 lanes. If you come up the Tomball Parkway (TX 249) that is the way everyone’s GPS sends them, you have to cross a busy railroad and it can backup for hours. Don’t think something like Google Maps or Waze are going to find you an alternate route either, residential and side roads are closed to through traffic. I’m serious, Don’t go through Magnolia!


Hwy 105 west through Cleveland, Conroe, and Montgomery, left on FM 1774 in Plantersville, festival 6 miles on right.


I-37 north to Hwy 77, Hwy 59 east to Houston, I-45 north to Conroe, Hwy 105 to Plantersville, left on FM 1774, festival 6 miles on right.


I-10 east to Sealy, Hwy 36 north to Brenham, Hwy 105 east through Navasota to Plantersville, right on FM 1774, festival 6 miles on right.


Hwy 290 east to Brenham, Hwy 105 east through Navasota to Plantersville, right on FM 1774, festival 6 miles on right.

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Second Verse, Same as the First

Not really much to say about this week. It was pretty much a carbon copy of last weekend, just without the online discount tickets to deal with, and a lot more fairies.

Dust. Lots of dust. No rain for weeks, and when tens of thousands of people start shuffling around it gets everywhere. It’s bad for us allergy Continue reading Second Verse, Same as the First

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First Week a Success, Second Week May Be Even Successier!

Well first weekend was great! It wasn’t the busiest opening day we’ve ever had, but a great Sunday crowd made the weekend quite a start to the year! The weather may be even better this week (if that’s possible) so we are expecting more great crowds this weekend.

No real problems at the gates other that those darn print-your-own tickets. They are really popular with the customers, but they slow Continue reading First Week a Success, Second Week May Be Even Successier!

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First Weekend Is Upon Us!

Hope everyone is ready for opening weekend of the 2010 Texas Renaissance Festival., I know the Beefeaters are. The front gates have been spruced up a bit, the Beefeaters are mostly sober (won’t last), and Autumn is definitely in the air. With a good forecast I expect good crowds this weekend, so we may be a bit busy if you stop by to say “Hello” 🙂

-Capt. Falstaff

P. S. For those interested, while I intend to have attendance statistics posted by Monday morning, quite often I post them in the evenings after the gates close.
Sir David Falstaff
Captain, Texas Renaissance Festival Beefeaters

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So which numbers are the correct ones?

I received a question in my in-box this week:


Captain, I notice that the numbers you post on your website don’t always agree with what’s in the ‘News of the Realm’ that I get every week coming the gate. So which numbers are the correct ones?

I am absolutely shocked that anyone would ask this question. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that anyone actually read the ‘News of the Realm’.

I’m not even sure who in the office actually writes the newsletter, or where they get their information from, but I get my numbers from the people who actually count the tickets. Sometimes they are not done verifying the count before I leave for the day, and I have to correct my numbers a little when I get the updated info, but you can generally count on me being accurate.


Sir David Falstaff

Captain, Texas Renaissance Festival Beefeaters